a turn...

things have certainly not been sitting under the category of pleasant of late, and oh well, what to do except say "same shit different day" and just about curse every tom, dick and harry, or heaven, skies and stars in hope for something better to come along. even better if it dropped on one's lap. fat hope that would happen.

this very day, events did take a turn somewhat. it is perhaps an extremely comforting change to have something a little different. some say, particular more superstitious and traditional orientals, that a wedding washes off the bad luck because of the good tidings and auspicious greetings it brings about from the joy and happiness from all combined in that massive ballroom who were all there for the same reason and purpose. not so much to wash off personal bad luck, but rather to partake and contribute in the joy in the union of the newly weds.

it was not so much just a union for the two lovebirds, but also a reunion for all the family and friends of various circles and degrees, where ties and bonds formed were a good forty year strong, and counting, if no one has proceeded to go on to the other world. it has been years that have seen this side of my godfamily, and it was awfully wonderful to just be able to be there and witness everything that went on; the catching up, the eating, the sharing, possibly as many as hundreds to thousands of stories flying about the whole room if one added up every table. did the whole speak when spoken to though did not quite feel like many words, social etiquette required it. nevertheless, watching it all happen in the bylines was heartwrenching enough as it was.

there was so much history in that room. every tale, a good solid story waiting to be told, where everyone, and everything, had a purpose for being and happening. in those few hours where was freezing underneathe the airconditioning, there was a need for me to soak in everyone and everything, and learn. forgot to bring a jacket as we were being all herded like cattle in the rush to the wedding dinner, and oh well, this one was no exception to the rule and still started late in any case. my brother, bless his kind soul, offered his outer long sleeve shirt for me to wear. this gesture did not go unnoticed by both parents and me as it was and is not my brother to do something like that for we have been, somewhat, in a cold war for the longest time ever. nevertheless, we have somewhat come to an understanding, between the two of us, that should the sibling need help in whatever way, help will be rendered to the best of one's ability, even if words are few.

in a night, so much was seen, heard, and felt. kinship, friendship, relationship, of all types, sizes and ages. my godfamily, being strongly and deeply attached to their peranakan roots, were all decked out in their finery. and trust my godmommy to be the activist of a whole sarong kebaya clan, from young to old, in all shapes and sizes. it could easily have been mistaken to be a sight for sore eyes, or rather, in all seriousness, a feast for the eyes. made my mommy wish she had worn her sarong kebaya. guess it must have been the air, for in a roundabout way, it also made me want to go dig out mine though reckon it would not quite fit as it has been years since the outfit has actually seen daylight. if anything, perhaps it is high time to go get another, even if it is just for the fun of it. bet one of my girlfriends would be all the more convinced that am quite like the "little nonya".

watched daddy from afar as he wished my godsister and her husband to be. turns out that this guy is the son of a classmate who passed away from cancer years back, with whom daddy had brought to church and led to christ. if anything, guess it can only be said that the world is amazingly small. daddy had never met the son when the classmate passed on, but bet it was something he did not quite expect, and that is to be attending the wedding of this old friend's son, and to my godsister to boot. as tears welled up in daddy's eyes whilst wishing the couple, it was seen that daddy was very heartened at this union, something so beautifully and mysteriously arranged, that it could only be seen as a work of god. yet, at the same time, the pained sadness and longing could not be missed nor mistaken. does not take a genius to figure out that am the reason for it.

although do know my daddy will never see this, daddy, am so really very very very sorry. am so very sorry for my lack and failure in fulfilling my obligations as your child. for now, will work at graduation for you, so in the meantime, please, please do not go.