new year...

another year has come and gone. technically, it is supposed to be the dawn of a new year.

seriously though??? it is just another day.

no different from any other. so much for new year.

christmas...

"have yourself a merry little christmas...

let your heart be light...

from now on our troubles will be out of sight...

have yourself a merry little christmas...

make the yuletide gay...

from now on our troubles will be miles away..."

another sick twist for an already lousy christmas...

troubles will be out of sight and miles away???

the irony...

problems...

charles m schulz once said that "no problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it"...

if only that were true...

no longer...

at this point, it is just found, that when one can no longer cannot hear self, nor see self, one no longer really exists. what then???

what does or should one see ahead??? or rather, what does one see behind???

in utter desperation, one has to go in search of oneself. however, managing to find oneself while undergoing that torturous journey is another question altogether. praying to the heavens would not help, crying to the earth would not either. in all honesty, it is just an oh so fabulous conundrum to be in, or more bluntly put, a helluva mind fuck.

candles...

christmas is just right about the corner, yet, despite all the airy merriment and fancy decorations, the feeling of christmas ain't quite around.

in all the morosity of good old gloom and doom, one would be lucky to even find a pinch of gaiety. monica forsberg once wrote, in swedish that is, "det är dags att tända alla ljusen"; meaning "it is time to light all the candles".

thank murphy for having this brilliant way of doing things. if good things like to come in pairs, bad news certainly love to come in the form of a bloody recurring avalaunche. guess in times as such, all the more so and aptly put that, indeed, "it is time to light all the candles".

a walk down memory lane...

death has this marvelous way of always being some major turning point, for any one person, at any one point of time. put simply, it either makes you, or breaks you, or at best, one would even get to have the best of both worlds in some mind boggling weird life arrangement. before one knows it, one might probably be singing "oh what a night" out loud.

there is always, somehow, a walk down memory lane with each inevitable occurrence. it never fails to shake and wake me up to life's fragility, crappy reality, and nonsensically painful obscurity. that walk down memory lane ain't no pretty sight, ever.

the best part??? it is, most unfortunately, a one way street. not to forget, a bloody long one at that.

back...

more often than not, one runs around in circles, and cycles, just running, and running, and running. before you know it, it is found, somehow, that one is back, right where one started. one wonders in amazement and disbelief after all that legwork, but to go along, there is also refound knowledge of oneself, and a whole new world, thanks to a new found perspective.

it is easier said than done for one to try to see beyond. beyond the horizons, beyond the scope and lousy limitations of the human eye and mind, beyond oneself. when finally that is attainable, the epitome is reached, and a parabola is created, strangely, somehow. the world is no different than from what it was, yet, it just ain't quite the same.

running away never helped anyone. however, in the light of true stupidity, it is all one does, without fail. oddly enough, little as it might be, there is actually merit in such an act. unfortunately, it can only be seen, after it has all been said and done, when one has reached the other side, through an idiosyncratic epiphany, after an imbecilic squander of precious time.

not around...

wispy shadows in the stealth...

creeping up and all abound...

what is lost...

can no longer be found...

days just come and gone...

without...

not around...

right at the end of the world...

darkness beckons...