Tuesday, 28 April 2009

exchange...

got last minute notice, no, make that command, to attend a wedding dinner. not that it was totally unexpected, but it certainly was something in the "did not want to have to do" list, and for a good reason at that. that being said, did it me did at the end, no questions asked.

wedding dinner was a pain to sit through because it was the usual eight course, minimum, serve up that required one to have to smile when one did not want to, socialize when one did not feel like and just look about as pretty as a decorative ornament for an insane period of time. the bigger ouch, having to sit at a bloody red table. for the non oriental girlfriends and boyfriends who are wondering why, here is a quick one hundred and one point to know, a red table at an oriental wedding equates to the status of being immediate family, or possibly the partner to an immediate family member, or child to an immediate family member, basically immediate family in one way or another to sum up. to top that off, was that it was a wedding dinner, all vegetarian. and no, this bit was pointedly forgotten information, albeit a little too conveniently in my honest opinion, that should have been told first hand. anyone who really knows me, will know me to be very much a carnivore, for herbivore this one really ain't born to be. so really, painful was an understatement, think agonizing suffering was more like it. however, did know for a fact, there was someone beside having it worst.

if anything, social etiquette, drilled into me for time eternal, had to be my saving grace. polite superficiality was a must, no matter how much one much rather just kick the chair, turn over the table and walk out. fended off open bug eyed stares and try so hard to be discreet but ain't glances, alongside the weird awkward questions of all sorts, machine gun shooting from all directions, mostly with regards to one's love life, that is non existent when it comes to the male species and not believed no matter what was said, resulting in explanation becoming futile, with a smile and minimal complaisant words before being blatantly barbaric became the new game. in all seriousness, if anything should have happened, it should have been receiving an oscar for sitting the dinner through. cool sophistication must have become the middle name for the night, was even dressed in accordance to boot, all in black.

spent the rest of the dinner just musing and observing all the going ons about at the table and every other table where my eyes and ears could and would land when not having to spar and play the million dollar question game, letting myself drift into the usual silent speculation about all that was going around. one's got to give oneself entertainment, if not, think would feel as if am wasting, and before long, some grosteque looking creature like the hulk would start to metamorphasize before everyone's very nosey eyes and go around terrorizing any breathing creature in that room. not a pretty sight, that much is for sure.

one, no one ever believes one when one tells the truth. one can even swear upon the bible. it never happens. tell them a lie and they are more likely to believe that than the truth. moral of the story, humans are delusional creatures, and wretchedly sad ones who live in perpetual denial.

two, it was a marriage that came about and happened after seven long years. in this day and age, it has got to be and is quite something when something can work out and reach such a benchmark. the bride apparently became semi buddhist, of sorts, and turned vegetarian, though she was christian. this is the part where one of my christian girlfriends will tsk a whole lot, though this does affirm my theory that it is technically and actually possible for people of different religions, particularly the combination of "christian and something else", to be in maritial union, much to the distaste of numerous christians out there. at the end of the day, it is about the give and take, period.

three, when people marry, they do not just marry each other, with the typical indian wedding in point and view, they do bloody marry the whole goddamn family. so if one does not like the family, for the love of god, do not marry. it is and will be disaster waiting to happen.

four, the world is awfully small, let alone when it comes to this cramped pinhole of an island, one never knows who one would end up bumping into at a wedding, even when the wedding is a peanut sized one. six degrees of separation could not be anymore creepy. therefore, keep very very quiet and blend, blend, blend into the background.

five, was told that the bride refused to fit into the gown, but rather said and insist that the gown fit her. thank god for a bride with common sense, for once.

six, people have nothing better to do than to stare when at a wedding. explains the need for so many visuals, pun intended, from the bridal gown changes to the video montages, and why the bridal couple are just about the busiest people at their own wedding, having trouble even finishing their own food in peace, or rather, they can actually forget about food. best of all, it ain't enough, so when the bridal couple ain't in sight walking about or having some video playing on the screen, the nosey parkers will not be abashed and shy when it comes to staring at other people.

seven, people are greedy monsters with insatiable appetites. it ain't just the about the visuals. it pretty much also applies to the food and just about everything else in life.

eight, for every time one feels like complete pottiness, there is someone else out there who is probably taking in much more crap.

nine, life is a lot more about love than one likes to think. its existance comes about in various degrees and types, and so therefore, emotion becomes and is in fact an essential. sadly, it is an unfortunate possession when haywire and decides to fuck up.

could probably go on and on with the verbal diarrhoea, but it ain't going to end if it did go on, so one's got to pull the plug and just end it there. and so, all the distasteful bits aside, got to give credit that it was a wedding where much thought was put into, given that the ideas were novel, where the video montage of the get together was presented like a film, with the twenty century fox logo in part of the reel and a box of popcorn, in all its cheesy red and white colors, as the takeaway thank you souvenir; where a mafia squad brought in the bride and groom in the second walk in, where some nutcase in the audience yelled "big boss", in mandarin, and in english a little later in the translated version, each call ending with the groom saying "thank you" in his thank you speech, before finally ending with the "brothers" and "mafia boss and wife" solemnly bowing in thanks in all black or any other dark color grandeur. that being said, there was some entertainment value, though was not quite up to laughing. not to mention, it was a little unbelievable, and abit of a joke, when heard how little resistance was given to the groom and the brotherly entourage in the bride reception. if it were me at the door, as was said and will quote that person, "there need only be one of you instead of a group of females at the door, and the groom can forget about getting through the front door, let alone the actual door, while the bride can forget about getting married. good luck to the poor folks." reminds me, there is an owe of a first class singapore airlines return ticket from wherever me would be at in future, and here is the standing written evidence of it.

there were several exchanges that happened in the midst of the night, the good, the bad, the happy and sad. makes me wonder who took the most out of it that night when it all ended. one thing for certain, not every individual was a happy camper, but then again, it really ain't my business.

an exchange of those little round rings may not necessarily mean a lifetime of happiness. however, that being said, it can be a lifetime of happiness and more, if "more" is taken into serious account, and not blindly factored out. there is a reason why mothers have this saying, "open both eyes when going into a relationship, and close one eye after marriage".

an exchange of time may not mean much to one, but it can mean the world to the other. this is where a difference can be and is made. add effort to the equation, and it becomes possible to change a hell lot of things.

an exchange of true love, of any form... priceless.

Monday, 27 April 2009

heartbreak hotel...

it is awfully bizarre how life can be, so much so one wonders if one is watching a telly soap unfolding with all the going ons simultaneously, and at such a chain reaction that the peculiarity ain't even funny. if anything, the latest soap that is playing on the concurrent life telly programme has got to be titled "heartbreak hotel". the saying of "misery loves company" definitely has a certain ring and truth to it, just more than one would like me afraid.

or perhaps, it is just one of those things that just happens all at a go??? after all, it never rains, it pours. god knows why.

a girlfriend decided to let go of that someone whom she has stood by for five years, all because there was never really a defined and clear status as to where she stood, by, and quite literally, cutting the person by the convenient reason her line contract was about up, and so she might as well upgrade her plan and cellphone, and her number while at it. one helluva way to do it.

another girlfriend lost her other half of three odd years just when she made that final decision to go all the way out for her boy just like he did for her before at the earlier part of their relationship. that worst part for her, was losing her childhood best friend of over a decade, or rather, of over half her life when he just called it quits after giving her a real shitty period. the yucky part about this one, is that me know both parties. hearing what she had to tell about the boyfriend's behaviour was a real shocker, not just to me, but to all the girlfriends who knew them both. the changeabout was certainly too sudden, and a hundred and eighty degree change overnight at that. what went wrong, no one knew, knows, or will ever know me reckon. losing a boyfriend is one thing, but losing one who was one's best friend from young, whom one thought one knew, is one fucked up double whammy to be receiving at the same time.

another boyfriend just got dumped too, and in the worst possible way. the lucky girl had it all, and she just threw it all away. boyfriend is in pretty bad shape given the extent of feelings that somehow had an extraordinary exponential growth in the two odd coming or three months they were together. looking at it in objectivity, or rather, trying to, the factor of "quantity" in time certainly ain't at all necessary when it comes to the "fall in love" bit going by his circumstances.

another boyfriend might have gotten into trouble with his other half because of me, not wittingly of course, but nonetheless a fault of mine me guess, for being someone too close by half whom his other half just does not like. then again, that really ain't anything new considering it has happened with quite a number of boyfriends. how would one know??? quite simply when the boyfriend just stops being in touch and then says hi out of the blue, like god knows how many years down the road, when it is all over between the two and one hears the outpour of the whole story then, and at most times, along with the pain and heartache with the break. same with another girlfriend, who now has a girlfriend who has been seeing someone for quite a few years now. girlfriends just hate me, and for no reason at that, period. in any case, ain't quite so sure of what the situation is like at present, but am rather worried, that much is for sure, and pretty much waiting in standby for that emergency call, should it happen. am only hoping to god it ain't quite so at this point.

every individual in their cauldron of hurt, brewing, boiling, and stewing in it, life simply could not be more painful, not to mention that lousy no good feeling of screwed up that goes hand in hand with it. in all honesty, watching it all from the sideline does not make me feel any better, much as do wish that am able to do a little more for them. what is one to do???

in all seriousness, words just fail me, for they just ain't enough. one cannot just order heartache to go away, or father time to turn back the clock, let alone heartbreak to not happen. such undoing is beyond me.

all that can be done, is offering and lending the small shoulders, listening ears and a teeshirt that will serve as the towel or toilet roll of the day to dry up those tears on top of long solid holding hugs, but fat lot of good that does. what can one do when one hears those hearts crack and break, into pieces that can never really be mended??? very unfortunately, there is no miracle pill available in this time and century to make it all go away or induce amnesia, or selective amnesia at the very least. there is no surefire formula that could ever give the needed relief and comfort, that much is for sure. there is, and can be, no release from the pain.

for some reason, am reminded of a little of "hotel california", for once one checks in, one can never check out, ever. such hotels are of utmost evil, for it leaves one as such where one is never quite living, yet never quite dead. the worst part, is not knowing how one falls into these human fly traps.

the saying "what does not kill you, makes you stronger" is absolute rubbish. it kills. doubt it can really be proven otherwise.

Saturday, 25 April 2009

suck it...


suck it in...

suck it up...

all of it...

Thursday, 23 April 2009

ever...

ever...


fall in love with a beautiful voice that never did quite have a face that matched???

this one did...

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

sunflowers...


the night was spent with the distinctive snipping of metal blades against thick colorful paper sheets, the dusty fan whirring in the background, remembering the days of yore when was younger and quite the idiot at art. no, never ever had the knack of anything with art and craft, be it oils and pastels, colors and gradients, or sculpture of any sort. mommy was and still is the one with the magic fingers when it comes to art, little wonder why the emergency panic call for "mommy... art homework" was always in use like an emergency room blue code.

without fail, there she will be, having a look see at the art project at hand, hmming, humming and hawing, before that moment of "eureka" hits her. from there, it would then be pretty much be like mad scientist at work in the poetic creation of frankenstein, where only the arty farty kind with similar sublime creativity juices would sense and comprehend.

old age has caught up, but mommy certainly has not lost her artistic flair, though the speed has most definitely slowed at her craft. somehow, that diminished speed, that do know is a cause from swollen and painful joints, made me stop in my footsteps. and so, it was my turn to sit down at the makeshift art table, scuffle around the motley mess, trying to make some sense of her mumbled instructions at what she needed help with.

quite a cute turnaround it has become. although changed somewhat, yet, the pattern somehow does not quite switch. strangely enough, there is comfort in this little familiarity, especially when daddy comes shuffling out in his bedtime socks and bedroom slippers, munching through a light bedtime snack of peanuts, poking his nose about before walking off like the passerby figure, offering no help, just as he would back then.

as if back in those days, sitting alone at the makeshift art table of the day, with an undusted fan whirring in the background, the lone soul cuts out gaudy looking sunflower petals from compressed paper sheet stacks, meticulously sticking those petals there after onto checkered pattern paper bodies carefully weaved from before with the good old handy glue stick, endlessly through the vampire hours of the night. only this time around, instead of being the one chased off to bed, she was the one sent to meet the sandman for midnight supper. this time, ain't rushing for the crazy deadline of morrow doing my own art assignment, but rather, mommy's "art homework". perhaps, probably, this is payback. in all honesty, can only say it is a fair trade, though seriously, sunflowers really ain't my thing.

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

change...

"change;

we don't like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming.

we either adapt to change or we get left behind.

and it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying.

but here's the truth:

the more things change, the more they stay the same.

and sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good.

oh, sometimes, change is ... everything."


meredith grey was spot on in this particular diagnosis.

Sunday, 19 April 2009

beautiful imperfection...

beautiful imperfection...

succinctly poignant...

utterly exquisitely perfect...

Saturday, 18 April 2009

responsibility...

responsibility is a most loathed irksome word...

one helluva bitch at that...

Friday, 17 April 2009

april babies...


keeping this short and sweet...

to all the april babies...

happy birthday...

another year has somehow come to pass...

miss and love you all...

Sunday, 12 April 2009

another one down the ground...


"we can never fully explain the reasons surrounding someone's death... but death is never natural; it was not meant to be. that is why those left behind experience such excruciating pain. the agony is only worsened when the death is what we call premature... each death can begin to be understood only within the larger story god is telling. much of that story remains for the moment a mystery."

death, most unfortunately, is inevitable and comes to all; and so, that ups the count, with another one down the ground. the worst part, is the unknown perplexity behind the whys that will go, and have to remain, unanswered to the mere mortal. unfathomable even to the most pragmatic of logic.

such is life.

Sunday, 5 April 2009

a quarter of a century...


a quarter of a century...

nothing to show...

everything to lose...

implicit painful deliberation...

forgoing forgotten celebration...

commemoration of the life led and left...

out of nothing at all...

Thursday, 2 April 2009

must...


ashes to ashes...

dust to dust...

loss after loss...

accept one must...

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

the words...


the words...

oh my god...

ain't quite enough...

happy april fools...

the joke of the day...